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Right off the bat I want to to warn you about a couple things before you listen to this. First, this might be one of the worst albums of all time. From what I can gather these tapes were only sold at Pizza Huts back in 1990. I’m pretty sure Pizza Hut acquired temporary use of the TMNT trademark and hired a bunch of shitty studio recording artists to make this. Instead of making music that even remotely resembled the character of the fearsome four they just took whatever throw-away tunes they had sitting around and put turtle lyrics on them. I mean, take a listen to this one.

Second, the actual recording of this is pretty awful. I’m not sure if the tape’s the best shape. It sure isn’t worn out because I knew this album was garbage when I was 7 and never played it. It’s been sitting in a wicker box with cartoon golfers painted on the side for the past 20 years. It may be the Technics RS-T11 tape deck I used. It has Dolby Noise Reduction but they might as well call it Dolby Treble Reducer because that’s all it does. I just know that while tapes look cool they usually sound like crap because they were built like crap. Screw tapes.

Finally, the Turtles would never use the acoustic guitar which is so prevalent in this album. Yeah, Raph’s sensitive and could theoretically use it to pick up chicks, and you might think Donatello could be attracted to classical guitar studies, AND Leonardo might argue, rationally, that even the most slammin’ rock group uses the acoustic on occasion. But Michelangelo would swoop in the minute any one of his bros picked up an acoustic and smash it over a foot soldier’s head. Seriously, no acoustics, dudes.

What follows are the lyrics for the track “Pizza Power”. A vid with the song is at the bottom of the page.

Pizza Power

Growing up in a glass bowl

With chameleons, lizards and tadpoles

It hardly enters your mind

That there’s something better than this

Ninja turtles...

(disputable lyrics in italics)

I’d better sleep in a carrot

Maybe a scene from The Parrot

Believe me when I tell you the words “Gone Majors” don’t exist

 

 

BUT Pizza Power

A flying saucer food delight

Pizza Power

Aw, that’s what makes us feel all right

But then we all began changin’

Our size was all rearrangin’

It led us to discover the kind of food that we like best

COME ON RAPH!

It isn’t burgers or french fries

The work fraternal’s on our side

Ice cream cake or apples pies

THEY DON’T EVEN PAST THE TEST, DUDES!

 

are totally...

Pizza Power

Is the thing that keeps us going.

Pizza Power

Is the food we’re dancing for

Pizza Power

We take great comfort in knowing

Pizza Power

Can be delivered to your door’

**40 second meandering guitar duet**

Pizza Power

Makes your turtle bell start ringing

Pizza Power

Pizza Power

Is the reason we are singing

Pizza Power

Eat it any time of day

 

CREEPY

Pizza Power

When it comes to food that’s what we say

Pizza Power

Pizza Power

Always better the next day

Pizza Power

Pizza Power makes us feel all right

Pizza Power makes us feel all right

>>>Click here to download Coming Out Of Their Shells

*download album below*

Ok, so this is the most important piece music of the 20th century. Yes, you read that correctly. In 1982 L. Ron Hubbard introduced Space Jazz, the first ever soundtrack to a book (not just any book…Battlefield Earth!!!) and forever altered the creative path of human history. Many historians credit this album with slaying the incredible high-hat breathing Disco Dragon. Others blame it for laying the Yoshi egg that hatched Lady Gaga. However, there’s much more to this story than hilarious musings…

Exhibit A!

(from the album gatefold)

SPACE JAZZ is a completely new musical sound destined to be hailed as the music of the future. The many and varied forms of music are an integral part of the cultural heritage of Earth.

Now, the sound of the future has been established by L. RON HUBBARD, author of the blockbuster science fiction novel Battlefield Earth.

The concept of a soundtrack is something one normally associates with motion pictures. Now for the first time ever–a soundtrack for a book–Battlefield Earth–“Space Jazz.” Think of the “Star Wars” Sagas, and “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” mix in the triumph of “Rocky I,” “Rocky II” and Rocky III” and you have captured the exuberance, style and glory of “Battlefield Earth”–The Evening Sun, Baltimore MD.

Consider the magnitude of the challenge Hubbard set himself. Conventional musical instruments and even huge symphony orchestras have their limitations. He turned to the technology of the future–computers.

Recent breakthroughs in computer musical instruments offered the needed versatility to match his new musical concepts.

Today, a computer is able to reproduce any natural sound. It can record a single note of a musical instrument and from that reproduce the rest of the instrument.

But better yet, it can take any sound and turn this into a rhythm. A coyote can sing the blues. A horse can tap dance. Liquid can splash out a Strauss waltz. Laser beams can hum a lullaby. You name it and you can get it

Yes, L. Ron Hubbard took the most technologically advanced musical instrument of the time, the Fairlight Computer Musical Instrument, and used it to recreate the sonic feast of a horse tapdancing! Thank your stars L. Ron Hubbard was one of the first people to get his hands on the $25,000 Fairlight CMI and thus create this epic masterpiece. What follows is just a small sampling of L. Ron Hubbards musical pioneering.

Exhibit B!

Be sure to carefully absorb the rich tonal haunches in this track. The playful neighs of the heroic horse Windsplitter, created through the Fairlight CMI’s digital processor, stir feelings of hope within the listener that, yes, man, beast and machine can coexist peacefully in a world free of Psychlos.

Exhibit C!

L. Ron Hubbard used his Hubbard Electrometer to test if tomatoes felt emotional pain. Seriously, check out this UK Telegraph article.

Ok, so I took a long time to trying to figure out exactly what this album was all about. I looked for hidden answers about Scientology in the ridiculous anti-stereo narration. I then looked for some sort of psychic pattern in the horribly repetitive and shrill synthesized filler “music”. Finally, I sought solace in the suspiciously mundane track titles:

1. Golden Era of Sci Fi

2. Funeral For A Planet

3. March of The Psychlos

4. Teri, The Security Director

5. Jonnie

6. Windsplitter

7. The Mining Song

8. The Drone

9. Mankind Unites

10. Alien Visitors Attack

11. The Banker

12. Declaration of Peace

13. Earth, My Beautiful Home

But I didn’t experience even a single mysterious revelation from on high.

So I listened again. And again. And again. And upon my umpteenth listen, just as Space Jazz began evoke memories of my endless hours spent playing Oregon Trail 2, the answer blasted itself all over my face: L. Ron Hubbard was the greatest practical joker of all time.

His absurdly bogus biography, his hackneyed bibliography, his intensely whacko yet ridiculously profitable Scientology cult had all been part of the greatest monkeyshine ever unleashed on mankind. The man was a hybrid of Andy Kaufman’s unflinching, rabble-rousing comedy with  Joseph Smith’s pied-piper espièglerie–now that’s saying something.

The aural assault Space Jazz makes complete sense when you view L. Ron’s life in that light. You could even say this composition was the punchline to a lifetime of pocket-emptying tomfoolery.

So, Xenu bless you, L. Ron Hubbard…you hilarious fucking bastard.

Click to download SPACE JAZZ to the futuristic 320 kbps

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