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Herbert Bodily Functions vinyl cd mp3 500x500

This one goes out to RyGuy.

Your bodily functions will forever live on in our hearts.

Even the stinky ones.

Stinkyheart Memories.

Gross.

RIP buddy, see you at the big bagel in the sky.

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Click here to download Bodily Function in MP3 converted from vinyl LPs

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Germany Deutschland Oktoberfest Cincinnati Munich Lederhosen Prost Stein Sauerkraut Spatzl

Click here for a random Rebuilt Tranny Post!

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Since 1976 Cincinnati’s held it’s annual Oktoberfest festival at the heart of downtown to celebrate the city’s German heritage. Over the years Oktoberfest in Cincinnati, or Zinzinnati as it’s known during the festival, has steadily attracted more and more visitors. Now, with over 500,000 people annually, Cincinnati’s Oktoberfest celebration is the biggest North America and the second largest in the world behind the big daddy partei in Munich.

The beer, the brats, the oompa bands and the girls in short German dresses it a pleasant affair for everyone in attendance…well, almost everyone. Last year, during “The World’s Largest Chicken Dance,” I bore witness when things went horribly, horribly wrong for one tiny dancer.

Oktoberfest Cincinnati Munich Lederhosen Prost Stein Sauerkraut Spatzl Chicken Dance Beer Dunkel Warsteiner Ale Keg Polka

Weird Al: Harbinger of Death

It was seemingly a typical Oktoberfest day on Fountain Square. As usual, I arrived early to make sure that my favorite beer, Christian Moerlein Fifth & Vine, would be in good supply while I built up a hefty level of trunkenheit to thoroughly enjoy the kitsch that is Oktoberfest.  I don’t know about you but watching dachshunds wearing big styrofoam hot dog buns race is a hell of a lot more enjoyable if you’re kicked back with a few dozen pints of lager.

Oktoberfest Cincinnati Munich Lederhosen Prost Stein Sauerkraut Spatzl Chicken Dance Beer Dunkel Warsteiner Ale Keg Polka Daschund Weiner Dogs Racing Fountain Square

Looka me go! Mein torso ist so streamlined! Züm züm!

Well, last year everyone had the same idea as me and started getting loaded early. Men, women, grandfathers, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, baby daddies and baby mommas were all getting sauced ASAP so the incessant sound of the clanging glockenspiels would induce pleasure rather than a Rhine-load of pain. I even saw a few stroller-rollin’ babies rockin’ a bottle of the brew, jimmy-rigged with a rubber nipple. Granted, they were mostly drinking weak-ass Bud Light, but still…babies need to drink responsibly.

Oktoberfest Cincinnati Munich Lederhosen Prost Stein Sauerkraut Spatzl Chicken Dance Beer Dunkel Warsteiner Ale Keg Polka Daschund Weiner Dogs Racing Fountain Square

Somebody get this little dude a stein, stat.

It got to the point that by early afternoon the entire crowd of half million was entirely shitfaced. Those that weren’t puking into the gutters were doing all sorts of terrible things. I witnessed furious leiderhosen-on-leiderhosen dry humping on Vine Street. On 5th I spied kids using the aforementioned wiener dogs as footballs in terribly accurate reenactments of Carson Palmer’s playoff game knee snap. On Walnut I saw one guy poop in a tuba. And everyone was spilling their beer–precious, precious beer–all over the place. It was horrendous.

Oktoberfest Cincinnati Munich Lederhosen Prost Stein Sauerkraut Spatzl Chicken Dance Beer Dunkel Warsteiner Ale Keg Polka Daschund Weiner Dogs Racing Fountain Square Burger King Crown Wizard Glasses

Convicted Tuba-Pooper

Everything was getting real at a maddening pace when, suddenly, a voice came over the PA system from Fountain Square’s main stage. “Listen up you sons of bitches, I got something to say.” It was Nick Lachey and he was wasted. Well, wasted wouldn’t really do it justice. It would be fairer to say that there was a life-size marionette of Nick Lachey up on stage being operated by an amateur puppeteer. The only thing that held him up was two Thai women in shiny golden dirndls…at least I think they were women; they looked pretty buff. But I digress.

“I’m Nick Lachey, you pussies, and it’s (hiccup) it’s time for The World’s Largest Chicken Dance!” The crowd let out a tidal wave of cheers, burps and ticklish laughter in response. “Nick Lechey says get up to the stage and shake your tail feathers, you Midwestern hillbilly shits….uh, I mean sexy Cincinnatians!” And with that cordial invitation 500k drunken wahoos (myself included) stormed Fountain Square and somehow lined up single-file, row upon row…hungry for Nick Lachey’s command.

Oktoberfest Cincinnati Munich Lederhosen Prost Stein Sauerkraut Spatzl Chicken Dance Beer Dunkel Warsteiner Ale Keg Polka Daschund Weiner Dogs Racing Fountain Square Burger King Crown Wizard Glasses

Hometown Hero, Dance Führer

The music started instantly. “Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, duh nu nu nu nu nu nuh, duh nu nu nu nu nu NUH, *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP *” went the battle cry. And on it went; over and over and over. As time elapsed the pace gradually increased. It was imperceptible at first but with each chicken-like movement I could feel the lactic acid building from wing to beak. When I thought I could take no more I looked up at Nick Lachey with eyes that screamed, “Why Nick Lachey, why?” He only responded with laughter and another crank of the PA’s tempo knob.

This is where things get blurry. It’s a pretty emotional memory, so bear with me. I remember there was a younger married couple in front of me doing the poultry jig. In between the two there was a young boy in a stroller, no older than two, destroying the contents of a 2-foot glass boot stein. When the song started the couple were spaced a safe distance from their tipsy toddler. But as Nick Lachey turned the Chicken into a Wild Turkey the couple lost all bearing of time and, more terribly, space.

Without warning the woman, a curly-headed brunette wearing jort overalls, started kicking her Keds high with each clap. One of these wayward kicks landed squarely on the right temple of her sauced son. This sent him flying to the left, and into the path of the prematurely balding husband. He too, at the whim of Nick Lachey’s demonic knob fiddling, found his legs with a mind of their own…stomping and stomping to their own delight. Their son, now passed out from a combination of drink and traumatic stroller tipping trauma, never saw the Reaper’s cold hand. The husband’s top-siders came down on the crown of his son’s skull and out spilled the memories of a first birthday, of first snowfall, of his first German pilsner.

But the man, wearing tortoise-shell glasses prescribed for myopia, didn’t stop stomping. The music had complete and utter control of him. If anything, his speed increased…controlled by the twitching fingers of Nick Lachey.

And you may ask yourself, “Why didn’t I read anything about this in the papers?” Well, the reason is both simple and disgusting. The latter half of Cincinnati’s summer had been a particularly dry one. Because of this the concrete tiles on fountain square were particularly porous. Mix this with the fact that the chemical engineer with P&G didn’t stop clucking and kicking until his son, from head to toe, was completely liquified. Simply put, the aqueous remains of his son were thoroughly absorbed by the tiles of Fountain Square. His parents’ inebriation was so complete they plum forgot they had a son, skeletal system and all, when they sobered the following week. It’s a tragedy from top to bottom, yes sir.

So, this year when you visit Zinzinnati’s Oktoberfest, make sure you pour some Doppelbock out for Little Billy. It’s been a while since he’s had a good German draft.

Oktoberfest Cincinnati Munich Lederhosen Prost Stein Sauerkraut Spatzl Chicken Dance Beer Dunkel Warsteiner Ale Keg Polka Daschund Weiner Dogs Racing Fountain Square Burger King Crown Wizard Glasses mustard

Dig In!

>>>Click To Download German Beer Drinking Music on 320 kbps MP3

Tracklist

1. Ein Heller Und Ein Batzen

2. Die Blauen Dragoner

3. Oh, Du Wonderschoener Deutscher Rhein

4. Schwartzbraun Ist Die Hazelnuss

5. Unter Dem Doppel Adler

6. Morgen Marschieren Wir

7. Steig Ich Den Berg Hinauf

8. Waldeslust Ich Den Berg Hinauf

9. Das Schoenste Auf Der Welt

10. Glaube Nicht Ans Rehbocknest

11. Wenn Die Soldeaten Durch Die Stadt Marschieren

*download album below*

After the Space Jazz post I figured everyone needed an antidote for music poisoning. So, feast upon the awesome glory of Bach’s genius spewed forth from a massive collection of pipes. And don’t go thinking, “Organs are only for church. I hate church. How am I supposed to get drunk on that little thimble of wine. God, this is retarded.” Just don’t because you’re wrong and that’s final.

E. Power Biggs, yes that is his real name, and his Flentrop Organ will make you weep with joy and blow your face off–at the same time.

Side Note: If you’re a Cincinnati local you have to check out the symphonic concert organ series at Cincinnati Museum Center at Union Terminal. There are almost 4,000 organ pipes hidden within the old ticket booths in the big domed rotunda. Why does it need so many pipes? Well, the 1929 E.M. Skinner Symphonic Concert Organ, which is wheeled into the center of the dome, is able to reproduce the sounds present in a full orchestra. Brass, strings, woodwinds, double woodwinds, superbrass, sonic booms…they’re all present. So basically one guy has complete control over an entire symphony and it’s really quite absurd. Plus when the organist hits the low notes the windows at the front of the dome rattle like hell. It’s like a baby earthquake. You can find more info and a schedule here.

Click here to download Bach Organ Favorites <<<FIXED ZIP FILE 5/11/11

 You’ll probably recognize this video as the theme from The Phantom of the Opera. Just put that stupid mask out of your head and absorb this song’s demonic splendor. It goes up, down, around and even a little bit inside. Listening to it’s exhausting…imagining the difficulty of playing the damn thing’s truly mindblowing. Don’t even get me started on analyzing the mind that produced it. Jesus. Jesus? Jesus$

Update: The following features a different recording of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor (the one off the album is about 2 billion times better) but this does a good job of visualizing the ridiculous fingerwork/fancyfootwerk involved in the piece. Enjoy.

Oh yeah, and this.

 Flentrop Organ Specifications

HOOFDWERK (Hauptwerk)

Prestant – 8′

Roerfluit – 8′

Octaaf – 4′

Speelfluit – 4′

Nasard – 2-2/3′

Vlakfluit – 2′

Terts – 1-3/5′

Mixtuur – IV Rks

RUGPOSITIEF (Positiv)

Holpijp – 8′

Prestant – 4′

Roerfluit – 4′

Gemshoorn – 2′

Quint – 1-1/3′

Mixtuur – II Rks

Kromhoorn – 8′

BORSTWERK (Brustwerk)

Zingend

Gedekt – 8′

Koppelfluit – 4′

Prestant – 2′

Sifflet – 1′

Cymbel – 1 Rk

PEDAAL (Pedal)

Bourdon – 16′

Prestant – 8′

Gedekt – 8′

Fluit – 4′

Mixtuur – III Rks

Fagot – 16′

Trompet – 8′

*download below*

Kraftwerk: The real granddaddy of all electronic music. Their synthesizers produce oodles of Germanic musical order and discipline on their 1977 classic, Trans-Europe Express. This only makes sense given it was produced in Germany while the country was split in two by heavy-handed superpowers with nothing but control in mind.

I sort of imagine the four Dapper Dan’s from the album art in a monstrous and dreary factory manipulating huge steam engines, gears and pulleys galore.  Through a fantastic ballet of these machines arise the sounds of Trans-Euro Express.  Suddenly a huge funnel drops from the ceiling to capture the sound waves swirling through the air.  Once collected they drain into a locomotive-sized hydraulic press and  are smooshed out onto black vinyl discs. All of this, of course, is metered by the tick of a 10-meter Tag Heuer clock keeping watch from the front of the beat factory. Phew!

Anyway, from the suppressed, mechanical order of 1977 West Germany emerged chaotic sampling, tweaking, spanking, and milking from any number of groups that still continues to this day. Keen listeners are bound to still find bits and pieces of these tracks all over the acoustic realm. It all started full steam with Afrika Bambaataa’s utterly bodacious track “Planet Rock” that rips the heart out of Kraftwerk’s title track “Trans-Europe Express”. It used a blatant and undeniable copy of the chorus melody, which was a big no-no back in 1982 and led to an out of court settlement between the groups’ representatives. However, I’m sure glad it occurred because without that eletro-pickpocketing “Planet Rock” wouldn’t exist and that’d be a damn shame.

Turn off annotations for the first video (click the little box in the right corner)

There are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of samples from this album in other songs.  I’d love to hear from you on which songs you know that sample Kraftwerk’s gem.  Or you can send me a copy of a song you’ve made using bits and pieces of Trans-Europe Express.  Either way I’d love to hear from you on the comment section.

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Download link TEMPORARILY down.

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As a side note, Kraftwerk supplies the music for the title screen on the old SNL skit Sprockets (for anyone who still remembers this bit).  Ist Max Dancishkaner, ja.