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Tag Archives: Funk

There are albums that make you want to cry. There are albums that give you the giggles. There are those that slip on a pair of dancing shoes and do the Charleston across your new living room rug.

And then there are albums, like S.T.R.E.E.T.D.A.D., that will give you scary weird dreams.

Now, I understand the connotation that this album will put you to sleep is a bad thing. No artist wants to imagine an audience getting the nods during their wicked guitar solo. But I’m not saying that this album will put you to sleep. I’m saying that if you happen to have this playing while you take a quick weekend nap, in between raves perhaps, it will recharge your chi with some wicked weird REM.

Here are some dream scenarios you may encounter while cuddling up close to S.T.R.E.E.T.D.A.D.:

– You find yourself running an afterschool swimming program for inner city kids. The pool’s located in an indoor gymnasium, the kind with the retractable wood floors. It’s poorly lit and smells strongly of feet. The turnout, as usual, is small–the boredom becomes oppressive.

Suddenly, Marvin Gaye shows up wearing short red trunks and ready for a swim. He’s clearly too old to be swimming with junior high students but you let him in because, after all, it’s Marvin Gaye. Marvin hops on the diving board, does a couple of pumps on the end, and takes an incredible 100 yard leap straight into the other end of the monstrous pool.

You run to check and see if the security tapes caught this fantastic feat. Joy abounds once you see the Beta machine’s rolling. However, this joy quickly fades once an attempt is made to retrieve the tape and show it to local news stations. The tape crumbles upon human contact, and with it your hope to spread the word of this suddenly very tall tale. No one will ever believe you about Marvin’s magnificent aquatic hop. You want to die.

– Your dream starts on an impossible tall escalator–so tall in fact you can’t see the top. It’s rolling upward with you perched on one of the unnecessarily sharp steps. There’s suddenly a strong vibration felt through your feet and hands. You look up just in time to see a huge block of sharp Wisconsin cheddar cheese bounding down, down, down.

The knife-like stairs begin to grate this behemoth as it approaches your position. This happens slowly at first, but quickly confederates with each step passed. Once the cheese block reaches you it isn’t a block at all but a finely grated cheddar blizzard. This blizzard knocks you clean off of your feet and down to the bottom of the escalator, where you roll helplessly over the incoming stairs–helplessly in a big pile of grated sharp Wisconsin cheddar cheese.

The heat of your friction against the stairs melts the cheese, turning it into a frothy gloop of the nacho variety. You continue to roll like a Donkey Kong barrel at the bottom of the escalator. Finally, the nacho cheese of your own making becomes too deep and you drown in the Queso Sea.

– You find yourself lying on the floor at a !!! concert. Everyone’s laughing at you because your legs don’t work. Everyone. Is. Laughing.

>>>Click here to download S.T.R.E.E.T.D.A.D. at 320 kbps

Tracklist

A1 Story Of The Whole Thing 4:56
A2 Dad, There’s A Little Phrase Called Too Much Information 7:25
A3 This Bum’s Paid 4:49
B1 Hair Dude, You’re Stepping On My Mystique 4:20
B2 The L Train Is A Swell Train And I Don’t Want To Hear You Indies Complain 12:15
B3 “My Two Nads” (Dad Reprise) 4:40


Michael, we need to talk.

Time-traveling message sent to Michael Jackson

September 10, 1979

Quincy Jones’ Pool Party

Dear Michael,

I would like to start this letter with congratulations. “Off The Wall” is truly a masterpiece. It’s taken you clear from the shadow of The Jackson Five and made you a man all your own. Years from now children will see your video for “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” on VH1 Classic and be forever changed. They will say, “Man, Usher was really skinny when he was a kid. What mom? That’s not Usher? That’s Michael Jackson?! No way. No fucking way mom I will not watch my tongue, you lying bitch. That is not Michael Jackson! You’re not my real mom!”

Yes, you are on the path to unparalleled success. You’ll outsell every other musician that ever lived, accumulate unimaginable wealth, and garner the praise and respect of the entire world. But, for the love of everything that is good and decent, please stop whatever the fuck you’re doing and listen up. Seriously, or you will slowly but surely morph into this boy-tickling hobgoblin:

Yes Michael, soak it in.

Ok, I didn’t really want to have to do that but it’s for your own good. I’m sending this message because that creature up there is what I want to prevent. However, the reasons for this terrible transformation aren’t entirely clear. No one can pinpoint the exact moment when you stopped being a talented black musician and became a soulless, brilliantly white devil….it kind of just happened before any of us could legally do anything about it. Maybe you’re thinking about using some strange cologne that uses the pituitary gland of a human fetus for an extra kick? I don’t know, that was just a wild guess.

What I can do is give you a glimpse of what is to come with the hopes that one of these tidbits of premature hindsight will spark some change within you. Let us pray.

1) You will befriend a chimpanzee. He will be named Bubbles.

Now, don’t take this lightly. Yes, Chimpanzees can be intelligent. They can also be adorable, especially when you pop a vintage flying helmet on their tiny heads.

Don't let your guard down, Michael!

But chimps can also rip your entire face off in 5 seconds flat!


It’s important that you don’t let your guard down around presumably friendly mammals. Bubbles may just be a cute little chimp in cute chimp clothing. And maybe he won’t rip off your face.

Instead, he’ll rip out your humanity!!!

2) You will play dancing monkeyboy for a megalomaniacal, chimp-loving actor.

"Doesn't he remind you of Bonzo in that cute little outfit, dear?"

Nobel Prize-Worthy

3) You will do the impossible and make wedding receptions even more completely terrible. So insanely fucking terrible.

4) You will be menacingly pursued by pint-sized actor Joe Pesci. Shortly after you’ll turn into a goofy looking Italian concept car.

5) You will give everyone a general sense of the creeps.

6) Your creepiness will be the butt of rotund comical yarns.


Please Michael, take this warning to heart. I mean really like wearing my novelty Michael Jackson T-Shirt:

But I wish I could have seen you Moonwalk well into your 90s.

8)

>>>Click here to download OFF THE WALL on 320 kbps MP3 from vinyl <<<LINK REPEATEDLY REMOVED BY LATOYA JACKSON…CHECK BACK IN THE NEAR FUTURE FOR DEVELOPMENTS

8)

Tracklist

A1 Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough 6:02
Arranged By [Horns], Flugelhorn, Trumpet – Jerry Hey
Arranged By [Percussion, Rhythm, Vocals], Backing Vocals, Co-producer, Lead Vocals, Percussion, Written-by – Michael Jackson
Arranged By [Rhythm], Electric Piano – Greg Phillinganes
Arranged By [Strings] – Ben Wright*
Backing Vocals [Additional] – Augie Johnson , Jim Gilstrap , Mortonette Jenkins , Paulette McWilliams , Zedric Williams
Bass – Louis Johnson
Concertmaster – Gerald Vinci
Drums – John Robinson (2)
Flute, Saxophone [Alto, Tenor] – Larry Williams
Flute, Saxophone [Baritone, Tenor] – Kim Hutchcroft
Guitar – David Williams (4) , Marlo Henderson
Percussion – Paulinho Da Costa , Randy Jackson , Richard Heath
Performer [Horns] – Seawind Horns, The
Trombone – William Reichenbach*
Trumpet – Gary Grant Read More »

 

This album is funky. It has a solid funk foundation…think if Ohio Players and Donna Summers had a baby…a really sweaty baby. This moist infant was funky enough to be sampled in the Beastie Boys track “Shake Your Rump”. 

Fun facts are all well and good for funk aficionados but I am only concerned with two things. Two things that, with a single flash, could put an end to all famine and strife on our planet and bring the Earth’s brothers and sisters together in a thousand-year reign of sexual satisfaction. 

Those two things, of course, are the left and right eyes set deeply in the skull of Harvey Scales. 

I just want a nibble, baby.

Well hello there, I’m glad you could make it. My grandmother calls me Harvey but you can call me Hot Foot. No, wait, don’t leave baby just sit down! You don’t want to sit? Ok, that’s fine…you stand right there and I’ll drink you all in. You’re a tall drink of water, haha. Yeah, tall and sweet like grandmama’s summertime peach tea. I bet I could finish you in one gulp too, girl, haHA! No, wait, baby don’t cry. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry come back. I promise I’ll mind my manners. Yeah, I’m sorry girl…I’ll just take baby sips and mind my manners. Yeah, that’s better. You want to blow your nose on my handkerchief? You sure. Baby, it’s silver, you sure? Ok that’s fine baby. Damn your hair looks soft…where you get it done? Trina’s? No? That Korean place down on the corner of 7th and Broadway? Can I smell it…it looks fragrant…fragrant like Egyptian Cocoa Butter…No wait baby please don’t call the police! 

Beware the bramble patch past witching hour!

 Yes, girl, your car keys are somewhere here within the confines of my all-expenses-paid Safari Suite. Maybe they’re under that gen-u-wine zebra-skin rug. Hmmm, no…no. They probably under that shining mountain of highly flammable jumpsuits in the corner. Baby, we could look all day and never find them in that synthetic mish-mash of lapels and zippers but why? We should just relax in this loveseat made of gazel butts, sip on this big ass bottle of Corbel and just get lost in each other’s eyes. What you think, baby? I wore my best onesie today just for you. It shows my manhood in all sorts of provocative ways. Just let me unzip it a little. You see what I’m sayin? It breathes baby, and the world breathes back. 

A friendly giant.

Oh damn girl, you just fainted and everything. Shit, like a damn Georgia Oak. That, that’s ok. Come here, my slumbering princess; yeahhh. You just sit here right on my lap. Whoa, whoa don’t slide girl. Damn jumpsuit slippier than a motherfuck. Don’t worry baby, I’ll keep you safe. Just squeeze your hips like a teddy bear. Shit, girl, your hair is fragrant. Just like Egyptian Cocoa Butter…aahhhhh. You’re my little Cocoa Crisp, yeah. You just sleep here forever girl, right here on papa’s lap…daddy gonna take care of you.  Don’t ever wake up…not unless you want a taste of Hot Foot’s ring. 

Click here to download Hot Foot (A Funque Dizco Opera) at 320 kbps

*download below*

I picked this up for $1 from a guy who had thousands of records for sale on the top floor of a horse carriage barn next door to the Mad Hatter down here in Covington.  He had tons of cool maps up there and a whole slew of weird doo-dads tucked away in glass cases.

At first I thought I was walking into a trap after I walked through the second chain link fence inside the barn. Visions of zipper-lipped rubber masks and red rubber-ball gags danced wildly in my head. I was never meant to be a barnyard boy toy; it’s just not my style.

Luckily I was assaulted only by the stench of horse crap and gnats that hung heavy in the air.  My gamble paid off because he had great gobs of good stuff up there; each a buck apiece. I bought 20 records from him and plan to go back when the fever peaks.

The best part of this story is that I just found this album for sale online for $155. The moral is that sometimes your vinyl hunt’s gotta get weird if you’re gonna get lucky.

Enjoy.

Click here to download Afro-American Jazz Dance

**Update: The guy I bought this album from now has some of his vinyl for sale online with Free Shipping. Check it out here http://www.thevinyldays.com/

*download below*

5 Reasons This Record Kicks Ass

1)  This is a Quincy Jones production, as in the Quincy Jones who molded Michael Jackson into The King of Pop.

2)  Michael Jackson sings backup vocals on track number five, “This Had To Be”.  These guys actually got Michael Jackson to be their backup singer.

3)  Louis Johnson, the non-spectacled brother, plays bass on Michael Jackson’s album Off The Wall, so you know the tracks on this LP are funky as all hell.

4)  The Song “You Make Me Wanna Wiggle” is sampled heavily on Justice’s song “Newjack” from their album Cross for a double wiggle piledriver.

Here’s MJ set to both songs.

 

5) The cover features Louis blasting a purple cocksaber all over George’s face in a triumphant display of sibling domination.


Bring the funk here! << Album Download

 

Tracklist

A1 Stomp! 6:24
Synthesizer – Greg Phillinganes
Written-By – Valerie Johnson
Written-By, Electric Piano – Rod Temperton
Written-By, Lead Vocals – George Johnson
Written-by, Bass [Solo] – Louis Johnson
A2 Light Up The Night 3:46
Written-By – Louis Johnson , Rod Temperton
Written-By, Lead Vocals – George Johnson
A3 You Make Me Wanna Wiggle 3:36
Lead Vocals – Alex Weir
Written-By – Rod Temperton , Valerie Johnson
Written-by, Guitar [Lead] – Louis Johnson
Written-by, Guitar [Lead], Lead Vocals – George Johnson
A4 Treasure 4:09
Lead Vocals, Percussion – Richard Heath
Written-By – Rod Temperton
B1 This Had To Be 5:13
Written-By – Louis Johnson
Written-By, Lead Vocals – George Johnson
Written-by, Arranged By [Backing Vocals], Backing Vocals [Fills] – Michael Jackson
B2 All About The Heaven 3:59
Lead Vocals – George Johnson
Written-By – Rod Temperton
B3 Smilin’ On Ya 3:46
Synthesizer – Larry Williams
Written-By – George Johnson , Greg Phillinganes , Louis Johnson
Written-By, Trumpet – Jerry Hey
B4 Closer To The One That You Love 3:11
Written-By – Louis Johnson , Rod Temperton
Written-By, Lead Vocals – George Johnson
B5 Celebrations 4:30
Effects [Vocal Percussion], Percussion – Paulinho DaCosta*
Synthesizer – Larry Williams
Written-By – George Johnson , Rod Temperton
Written-By, Bass – Louis Johnson