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Monthly Archives: June 2010

There’s a 1993 Deep Jewel Green Pearl Metallic Mercury Grand Marquis that parks on my quiet Covington, KY street. On the back of that Grand Marquis there’s a bumper sticker. It isn’t very big; only about 2/3 the size of your normal tail treatment. In red font on a black background it says “REINSTATE HANK” on the top and “THE OPRY HAS SINNED” on the bottom.

That Grand Marquis is my spirit animal.

>>>Click here to download the cornerstone of Country & Western.

Tracklist

A1 Your Cheatin’ Heart 2:38
A2 Jambalaya 2:47
A3 Lovesick Blues 2:42
Written-By – Cliff Friend , Irving Mills
A4 Half As Much 2:39
Written-By – Curley Williams
A5 Cold, Cold Heart 2:42
A6 Hey, Good Lookin’ 2:35
B1 Why Don’t You Love Me 2:23
B2 Wedding Bells 2:52
Written-By – Claude Boone
B3 Kaw-Liga 2:33
Written-By – Fred Rose
B4 So Lonesome I Could Cry 2:43
B5 Ramblin’ Man 3:00
B6 Honky Tonkin’ 2:40

I have to admit that I was disappointed with Daft Punk’s last LP, Human After All. I know that Discovery was a really, really tough act to follow but I was still hopeful they’d fill my dreams with 4 more years of hentai fantasies. And maybe this sounds like a gripe that’s too little, way too late. So sue me, again, and this time you’ll end up owing me money. Don’t blame me, blame our broken judicial system.

Samples were the Shayne Graham of the last album. Now, let me stop everything right here. I don’t want you thinking that I’m against samples, because I’m not. If I may say so: au contraire, mon frère (Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangalter would probably say that because they’re French!)

I’m all about samples. Daft Punk just dropped the baton, leaving the funk for Justice to grab with a clear line to the Slush Puppie vendor. But I’m still bummed that Guy and Thomas just dropped Le Groove. It’s not that the samples were bad. They were actually pretty good picks. But they didn’t do anything with them. It’s like a chef allocating the perfect lamb chop from a butcher and then placing that big, bloody, uncooked slab of wooly bully on your plate and saying, “Dig In.” You gotta prep, sucka!

Just take a listen to the next to two songs here. If you have the time give Robot Rock a good, full listen. Experience its repetitive beats with little variation.

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Now take a listen to “Release the Beast” by Breakwater from 1980.

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Notice any….similarities?

It’s basically the same damn song, although Breakwater’s original is a better musical representation of a Mylar glove, filled with testosterone, stuffed inside of a black velvet glove, slapping a Detroit traffic cop.

LUCKILY Daft punk released 12″ remixes of the songs from this album. In my not-so-humble opinion I feel that one of these Robot Rock remixes, especially the Soulwax Remix, should have taken the original LP spot. Soulwax took the original sample and made it something truly unique instead of just adding “ROCK, ROBOT ROCK. ROCK, ROBOT ROCK” over and over. It’s something clever, something catchy, something you’d hope to meet in a metallic bikini on a spring morning along the Uruguayan coast. Just take a listen-see to the next vid and download the damn thing.

>>>CLICK AND DOWNLOAD THE BEST VERSIONS

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This is the album that made me think I wanted to visit the UK. Well, not this actual 12″, but the LP that this 12 was derived from. I bought this 12″ a few years after I bought the original in high school. Sue me…joke’s on you, I’m broke.

For a split second it seems like a good idea, vising the Cream Isle. After all, Britannia rules the waves! Wait, can they really do that? Is their science so far ahead of ours? We can’t even clean oil, albeit millions upon trillions of gallons of oil, from our waves. Yet somehow they are able to force the foaming sea to bring millions of Britons breakfast in bed each and every morning.

Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves!

There really aren’t any perks to visiting England. It’s not like you can hang out for a week on one of their fabulous beaches. You can’t visit their quaint little alpine lodges. You can’t witness the splendor of untainted fauna roaming virgin countrysides. You can’t do none of that because none of that exists!

And do you know why? It’s because the United Kingdom is just a bigger version of New Jersey. There are a lot of weird-looking white people living there with no other place to go. So, in protest of their shitty luck, they’ve been forming unholy missionary positions for the past millenium and producing terribly ugly babies. And those babies have been killing off any wildlife, African Swallows included, they could get within their single-barrel shotgun sights. England, Wales and Scotland aren’t the shallow end of the gene pool…they are the trash compactor.

Instead of white trash they have "chavs".

But somehow this little island of misfit boy toys never fails to produce a steady stream of musical savants. And you know what, it kind of gives me the creeps. It’s not like these guys are being fostered in a culturally rich environment. The Beatles were from Liverpool, for Christ’s sake.

With less than 900,000 “Liverpudlians” within the greater city limits, Liverpool is less populous than Cincinnati. The only thing that ever came out of Cincinnati was 27th President of the United States William Howard Taft. He was a president so terrible that Teddy Roosevelt came out of political retirement to form a new political party in an attempt to knock Taft, Roosevelt’s former Vice President, out of office.

Nice pants, asshole.

So how, oh how, is it that this land mass crawling with cheeky monkeys keeps birthing killer bands? After listening to the song “Gomez In A Bucket (A Seaside Town Made Of Ice Cream, Slowly Melting)” I think I’ve found an answer both simple and mysterious. That, of course, is the little known existence of an unbelievably potent strain of Indian hash called “Symphalamajamjam”.

Everyone thinks that Gandhi was the reason India gained independence from the British. Non-violence my ass. No, it was because all of the Maharajas running the Indian drug trade got together and said enough was enough; those British bastards had hampered their sweet cheeba trade for long enough. So, in a bid to rid their dominion of the buzzkill wankers, the head Maharaja met secretly with GeorgeVI to let him in on a little secret.

This guy loved the doobage.

Boss Maharaja sais, “Look Georgey Boy, I don’t like you and you don’t like me,” he says. “You been floppin’ your stinky pikey feet all over my sweet subcontinental turf for too long. I want you gone and gone quick but I’m gonna make it real sweet for you, see?”

Boss Maharaja leaned in real close to George VI. It looked as if he would kiss George on the brow, but he resisted.

“This here Symphalamajamjam is gonna make all your people real good at the gee-tar. One toke and they will be just as good as the Beatles, maybe better.”

“Why in the bloody hell would I want my subjects acting like insects, blub blub blub,” said a moistening Charles.

“That’s not important, my man, that’s not important,” said Boss Maharaja. “What is important is that you take this little brick of sticky wicky home along with these seeds. Every street and alley in London will be like a god damn Gilbert and Sullivan convention. You dig?”

“No, but your turban is very convincing.”

And that’s how Gomez came to produce this 12″ in 1999.

Click here to download We Haven’t Turned Around and all the fixins’.

Tracklist

A1 We Haven’t Turned Around 6:30
A2 Flight 3:30
A3 Rosemary 4:51
B1 We Haven’t Turned Around (X-Ray Version) 3:16
B2 Gomez In A Bucket (A Seaside Town Made Of Ice Cream, Slowly Melting) 10:02
B3 Emergency Surgery 2:18

Torrential thunderstorms and close calls with tornadoes rocked Cincinnati this past week. Unfortunately, the skies are once again deep blue with a spattering of fluffy white clouds. As such, I felt it appropriate to upload an album which brings us back to the good old times of flash floods and hydroplaning on Route 50’s blind bend outside of Turkey Bottom. Rainbabies and splishsplashers alike, please enjoy a “Totally New Concept In Sound.”

I also felt that this is a good album to showcase what exactly vinyl ripping programs like Audacity can do to help remove the clicks and pops from well-loved discs. I bought this album at Shake-It Records for $1.99. It’s seen its share of turntables and accrued a king’s ransom of grime and scuffs over the past 36 years. Disc 4’s slutty past makes it a perfect candidate for my celebrity makeover.

The first step I always take with dirty, naughty little discs is to give them a nice bath using a synthetic fiber paint brush,  mild dish or hand soap and lukewarm water. I make a soapy water solution in a small bowl and apply it heartily to the brush. Then, I use said brush to gently scrub the disc in the direction of the grooves. I take as much care not to scrub too hard and add anymore scratches. Next, rinse thoroughly. Finally, I dry it all off with a microfiber hand mitt I bought from Big Lots. Don’t waste your money on magic disc solvents, my friends. It will only lead to heartache.

Next, I pop the bad boy on the SL-10 and record. There’s a whole lot of hulabaloo that happens here but I’m going to keep that private. Some secrets are just too delicious.

Once the slippery, exhausted digital copy gets onto Audacity I take a listen and look-see to see how many of the violent offenders remain. Here’s a visual of what the sound signature of this disc’s second side looks like fresh off the spinner.

What happens next is a bit of voodoo magic. There’s a little de-clicking mechanism on Audacity that takes most of the fuzz out of records. The only catch is that if you set the parameters too aggressively on the de-click it will take some of the fidelity out of your recording. So, you have to balance what you find acceptable with clicks and what sound you’re willing to lose in order to have a clean disc.

I’ve been through a fair amount of de-clicking sessions and think I’ve found a pretty decent balance between cleanliness and bangin’ sound. Here’s a pic of the sound signature Side 2 has after going through the Audacity de-click process.

You’ll notice that there are still a few spikes on the register, especially toward the end. Even using the most ferocious setting on the de-click tool some little blips will always be present from the original record. In most cases they look much worse on the visualization than they sound when listening. It’s really all subjective; some will say you should leave every click because it keeps the soul of the record. Others demand you clean that shit up…it’s gross and you’re going to stain the carpet.

I like to go on a case by case basis on when I should “fix” a disc and how many pops I like to remove. Usually I find that the discs I want to clean up the most benefit the least from using the Audacity software. That’s just how things work sometimes.

There’s a lot I’m leaving out here about the actual conversion process but I just wanted to basically show that it’s somewhat possible to clean up your soiled discs. But don’t get your hopes up about removing the effects of that killer scratch from your Doobie Brothers album. You shouldn’t have gotten drunk and started throwing license plates around in the first place, idiot.

>>>Click here to download Environments Disc 4

Tracklist

A The Psychologically Ultimate Thunderstorm Running Time: 30:54
B Gentle Rain In A Pine Forest (Synthetic Silence) Running Time: 35:28

There are now over 100 albums on Rebuilt Tranny’s Rat Rod Record Exchange. Instead of celebrating I’m going to hand over a sad album to the internet community. I’ve lost so many hours uploading the Rainbow Goblins Storycountless Daft Punk records, cacophonous machinery, and toomanyremixes.

I could have spent all of that LP-twirling doing something worthwhile: watching Red Dwarf episodes on Netflix.

British Sci-Fi: The only reason to live?

 But before I digress, let’s get back to the actual subject of this post for just a second. Nick Drake, English folk rock extraordinaire, also felt like he was in a life filled with waste. Despite albums filled with tonally rich yum-yums, he continually failed to sell more than a few thousand albums for each release.

No one really knows why he couldn’t push units. Some say it was because he hated performing. Others say it’s because he avoided interviews at all costs. And then there are those who point to the fact that he was never, EVER captured on video.

But I know the real truth.

Nick hugged the electric cactus by overdosing on antidepressants 14 years before Red Dwarf even hit the air. He never got to see the pinnacle of British television. He never got to see how cats would evolve 3 million years in the future (they turn into humans with sharp canines, James Brown dance moves, and impeccable taste in Nudie-style suites.) He only had Dr. Who…and his suicide-enducing scarf.

Seriously, kill me now.

So, I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad about my lot. I do feel fortunate I had the opportunity to see that episode where Lister became impregnated by the female-alternate-universe-version of himself. That was bloody hilarious!

 Maybe if Nick had witnessed the comedic gold presented in the following clip we’d still have him with us today.

I’m just be glad I’m still kickin’, my record player is still spinnin’, and I haven’t fried my new hard drive during the hours of conducting the vinyl-to-MP3 train. All aboard. Or something.

I hope to bring another 100 albums online in the next year and then 100 more after that.

This album is a reminder that you should always be thankful for what you have and remember, there are always lots more juicy tunes just a click away.

>>Click to download Bryter Layter

Tracklist

A1 Introduction 1:33
A2 Hazey Jane II 3:41
A3 At The Chime Of A City Clock 4:42
A4 One Of These Things First 4:46
A5 Hazey Jane I 4:24
B1 Bryter Layter 3:16
B2 Fly 2:56
B3 Poor Boy 6:30
B4 Northern Sky 3:42
B5 Sunday